April 7: I try not to remember the morning I drove you to the airport
I try not to remember the morning I drove you to the airport
Somber in both of our hearts about this depart
Your bags and a pan of burnt chocolate brownies in the back seat
We expected this love to last longer than our distance
I have pushed these memories in the far back corners of my mind and hoped that it would erode like smoke
Mom says for me to tell no one about this experience
She prays that it is temporary
For weeks I had to read the book of Leviticus to learn what is legitimate
She told me to swallow my words in front of the family for they will never accept me
If only you could see her face when I told her the truth
As if I was Judas and sold her home for pieces of gold
But only if she knew that lying was not the cross I wanted to bear
>You and I will only exist in my notebook
Until it was discovered and then censored
So I don’t speak about you, nor can I write about you
And I have no one to turn to
My sister smacks the bible on my head as her way of knocking some sense into it
Little brother says it does not make a difference
Father told me I can just forget it
So, I tried my best to black-out the age 17, cause Sunni Patterson knows that 17 year youth are so close to life that it feels like death
Which is what I wish I for all through 2009
I was tired of enduring the pain and pressure of walking on eggs shell at home
While my heart sink into abyss of corrupted acid
Knives calling my name of April 1st
Call it a fools game, but I was ready to walk down the hallway
Mom asked me to repent
To give myself to God and pray for change, but what happens when you walk off the altar feeling the same?
And now I’m on this stage or you’ve read my page
I ask you not to judge me
Believe me when I say I am scared
I have never stood in front of a crowd before naked
Do not look at me any different
See the beauty in my scars and the purity in my mistakes
See me as the girl you knew yesterday
Who just wanted to do poetry, speaking existence through my breathe and performance
I ask for you to love me for the days I cannot love myself
I cannot find love in the mirror or the crease of my poetry book
Nor can I it find you
You were gone when I needed you the most
When we parted I sat in my 1994 green Toyota Camry crying
With only 20 minutes on the meter I screamed at the universe to bring us back together
Or at least to keep the feeling of your soft lips up against mines
> I try not to remember that you were my first
You showed me that I could do anything I put my mind to
Like gapping our distance, turning my home into my living hell or bringing in sin into my bedroom
You were not suppose to be a fling, but my future
But even I could not forsee this tragedy
But my Mom called me a lesbian before I could even confess
She said God revealed it to her in dream
That morning she spoke my testimony and that night I confirmed it
A year later you ask me forgiveness, but little did you know I had already turned the other cheek
I knew you were foolish when you expected me to accept your theory of having two girlfriends
I cut my losses once I was getting threaten for my sexuality while you were home sound asleep
Please do not have pity on me
Do not ask me any questions or comments
Excuse me if my heart’s story is too much
But it needed to exhale cause it has been breathing under water for a while.
As much as I try, I know that my vision is crooked
Folks catching me stealing glimpse of girls
Muted words turned into fantasies that are not tangible
I am not sure what the future hold
If a shunned sunrise wedding will be become reality or family acceptance
Only time can answer these questions
So for now let’s pretend like this never happened